


Bridges

by Kate_Black



Category: iKON (Kpop)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-10
Updated: 2015-02-10
Packaged: 2018-03-11 13:11:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3327956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kate_Black/pseuds/Kate_Black
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jiwon always was the most durable thing that supported me, even if now I had to fall down. He was my bridge between reality and dreams.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter I

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Мосты](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/97622) by xbackbone. 



> The native language of author and translator is russian. We would be happy if you help us to correct mistakes. Thank you~

There are two problems in my life. There are only two small problems, because of which all my life can be swept in the grave. The first one – I am unstable. The second one – I am in love with my best friend. And all I can say about it – nothing. Yes, exactly. I guess, I just cannot say anything. I do not think, there is any sense to begin to remember the days when we have met. I prefer to think, that the past is just the past and we do not need to mention it if we have something now. But now everything is too confusing and ugly. It is so disgusting that I just do not know where to put myself and how to hide it. I have no place to hide. My best friend and I live together in a small flat on the fourth floor of an old house. I hate this number. Jiwon wanted to live above and I did not want to argue. If only it is a place, where we can live, there is no difference. We have two rooms, small balcony, which seems to fall apart soon and bathroom, which is my favorite place. Jiwon spends lots of time in the balcony; I do it in the bathroom. It is like a little space, where we can put a barrier from everything including one another. I do not know about what Jiwon thinks when he is standing in the balcony in a thin T-shirt, which puts out all his bones. But I always think once again about this T-shirt. I think about it already a year and try to understand if I really have so much strength to do it in so… simple way? I am broken into many pieces and I am not sure someone can save me. The main problem in my life is that I do not know where I am. Actually, I am in the bathroom now, but sometimes I am lost. Although, is there anyone who is not?   
“Can you go out? I'm going to wash myself.” disheveled head appears in the doorway.  
“Sure.” I leave the bathroom, smile to Jiwon and when I pass by him, I feel familiar scent of cigarettes. It spreads from him like a train. I would like to soak up this smell through his touch.   
“Are you here?” Jiwon snaps in front of me and grins.   
“Yeah, sorry” the door slams and the roles are reversed. The main thing I want to do is to go to the balcony and breathe in cold air. Jiwon go out after twenty minutes, brushing drops of water from wet hair. Some of them fall down on his back and chest and I want to look away. However, it is too hard. Jiwon has broad shoulders and strong arms. His wet skin is lighting and finally I have enough strength not to touch it.  
“Have you gone a gym again?” it is my favorite excuse in response to questioning glance from under the wet bangs.   
“Why do you think so?”  
“Well… your muscles are just overly tensed. Therefore, I thought that you worked out or did something indecent in the bathroom.”  
Jiwon is almost choking me with the towel by which he has just wiped his head. It is wet and smells his shampoo. And I hate to think about it every time. Maybe it would be better, if he finally strangle me. In this case, I have never explain anything to anyone. However, in reality, my only one hope is that the balcony fall apart when I am there. Somehow, it seems to me that nothing like this will happen. I am a loser.  
“Where will you sleep today? Not in the bathroom I hope” Jiwon has already put on one of his impossible stretched T-shirts with a significant OBEY red on black and try to turn a harmless question into a jest. Nevertheless, in fact, every attempt to turn all of it into another joke makes me feel like something is dying inside of me. I even can hear the sound of it. It sounds like a body falls from some of the fourth floor. And of course Jiwon shouldn’t know about it.  
“You know that it’s difficult for me to answer this question” I try not to look at his rib that is rising above from the deep armhole of shirt and curse the manner of Jiwon to wear things like this one.   
“That’s why I don’t understand what the problem is if you sleep for a while in my room. I don’t bite.” Yes, he does not, but my confusion can mess to too much wrong things. “In the end, I will come to you, seriously. We are always argue about it and then you ...” Jiwon pauses and I know that he is biting his tongue. “And then what?” Perhaps, he wanted to say “and then I start to make strange things, thinking that I’m still asleep”. There is a thin wall between my dreams and reality. If you can imagine, that a dream is a pool full of water and the reality is the fresh air, when you go out of the water, I can describe it in one way – I have no air. My dream spreads and sinks the entire flat. It draws another, absolutely identical life. There is the same tea in the kitchen and the same reflection in the mirror. I wake up in the dream and confuse everything. I lose myself and the only thing I am really afraid of is never find the way out and stay there. I am afraid to realize that the reality, where I touch Jiwon’s wet hair, is fake. I am afraid to stay there where I can never find the exit. Moreover, my problem is not just realistic dreams. Sometimes reality and dreams are mixed up and everything goes vice versa. I wake up, like in a dream, but actually it is the place where I exist. Confusing? But I’m really scared. I am afraid to sleep.   
“Hanbin, if it has started again why do you hold a circus? I still have to shake you out of there… or shake in, if you want.” I still cannot understand why this man keeps pull me out this tangle of different lives.   
“Thank you for this, but I’ll not sleep in your room.” It is so ironic. If I really wake up and think it is a dream, the end can be such a bad end. Can it be more dramatic? Only the devil knows. All the same, it would be better if the balcony falls apart with me. Then I have never think about where I find myself next morning and about Kim’s T-shirts. Let’s go back to that, yes, I’m a loser.  
Today is one of the days of November, or maybe December. It was said in the morning weather forecast, but I was looking at Jiwon, who pulled on skinny jeans, actually mine, and at the same time held a sandwich in the teeth. Interestingly, does he suspect that, even if he is just pulling on jeans, it looks like there is a shooting of advertisement for something like Calvin Klein? Even if he chewing this sandwich. Probably no, because he puts on a gray T-shirt puts his feet in sneakers and hides bare hands into warm jacket. It seems to be from Calvin Klein. I am chewing my breakfast, watching Jiwon makes some mess on his hair getting his hands there. Likely, in a minute, he will smell cigarettes.  
“Are you going to go anywhere today?” he asks when he is almost outside the door.   
“Nope.”  
“I’ll be late. Don’t lose me.” Such a great advice. I would better try not to lose myself. Thousands thoughts, stretching from that stupid association with advertising this popular brand, start to break into my mind. Jiwon, leather sofa and skinny jeans. Brand underwear and his unzip pants. Skin is glistening because of sweat and the only one thing that comes into my mind is go on it with my tongue. Jiwon would put his head back to substitute me his neck. Bangs would sweep on his wet forehead and his lips would parted in a silent exhale. Or maybe it is better just imagine how he would pass his hand over his torso and down… What the hell? I’ve tried to stop thinking about too obscene pictures but that was not that easy. Why can’t I just stop on the thought that I am mad about this person without mixing my feels with all the dirty mess? It looks like there is no another way. Because of Kim Jiwon. All of him is the reason of cramps and willies. If I were him, I would have noticed that something was wrong and broke up with the boy-sleepwalker who loved to wake up in his best friend’s bed. It is funny to think that I mix realities by myself just because I want to weave our feet again and feel the warmth. It is the only way, in which there will be no problems at the morning. Jiwon understands. And it would be better if he doesn’t. He came back lately and thoughts about where he was is some kind of my personal headache. He was tired and in a blue mood and I was trying to find an explanation of it. Jiwon sees that something is worrying me and show me his tired smile.   
“These children are a catastrophe. Looks like I’m going to lose my feet if there’re groups like this one.” It means that today Jiwon taught a group of children. Now I can see why this morning he took a simple T-shirt but not the low one. Even Jiwon understands that dancing with children when you are seminude is a bit overmuch.  
“They did everything but didn’t dance again?” I laugh at him remembering that time when Jiwon took me to look at the class. There were about ten children, everyone with sloppy but small jeans, bagged T-shirts and too cool sneakers for their ages. And they liked to run after Kim sunseng-nim much more than repeat some difficult movements.   
“Today there was a play ‘clime-up-to-Kim-Jiwon’”. My back is broken I guess.” Jiwon almost falls onto the chair near by the dinner table and lays his head down his arms.   
“Do you want to eat? I’ve bought some Chinese food.”  
“Food…” Jiwon funnily croaks and corrugates the nose. I want to rumble his hair but everything I can afford is just clap on the shoulder. If I clean up all this beastliness, which has begun because of sex drive, I fell in love with Jiwon at that evening at that class. All children, without exceptions, were influenced by something like holy powers and went crazy. Jiwon was too kind and let the children to ride on his back. Children squalled aloud, seized him by the arms, and rumbled his hair. I looked at them and thought that children might do much more than the best friend might. Jiwon smiled too genuinely and laughed, but I set down and understood that that was it – the precipice. That was the beginning of the end and idiocy. There were children around Jiwon and Jiwon with children. And I do not know why in thunder just then. Maybe it was than just because I understood that this man could take care about someone. His smile could be genuine but not chivied.  
“What about coming back to the Earth?” Jiwon is chewing noodle while pokes me with the chopstick.  
“Let’s play on where I’ll wake up tomorrow?” I laugh and clean a piece of sous at his cheek. Actually there was nothing. Jiwon is angry and I laugh harder. I clean empty boxes with noodle and think that actually there is nothing funny. Once I woke up in the balcony when one of my feet where thrown over the barrier. Truthfully, Jiwon woke me up. He caught me and pulled me back. We fell down in the warm flat. I felt warmth from Jiwon and his heart beating. It is one of small details, which I remember except his hard breath near to my neck and his fingers clinging to my shirt. I would like to believe that people held others that way only if they did not want to let them go. I would like to believe but I remembered that I was just lost.   
“Well, I’m going to sleep.” There are the most frightful words I have to hear from day to day. Especially now. I turn all the lights off, hide under the wrap and sigh hardly. I feel shaking under my slats, near by the diaphragm, like a chute-the-chute. It is very frightful to close my eyes. What if no one catch and drag me up? What if Jiwon doesn’t wake up?  
I have a dream. I walk around dark passes of my town. I see dirty corners of houses, which look like they are coming apart. I see old graffiti on the walls and feel smoke in the air. I skulk in collar of my jacket and keep silent like if I am afraid of someone to see me. I see an old car ahead me and there is a movement nearby it. Someone is dragged out the car and lugged into a pass between two houses. I go a bit slower and try to hear something but there is nothing. In the moment, I can see a girl and a knife in her chest. I hear an awful sound of tearing up body and see sticky warm blood. I try not to breathe and go away quicker but the last thing I see is that man, who killed the girl, is turning back and…. It was me. I feel blood on my hands and feel a knife, which is still warm. It turns round in my side and I breathe in hoarsely. I am flat out to catch air with my mouth. Everything around me is mudded with the red slime and I fall on my knees, smudging asphalt with this slime. I cough and see a new blot of blood in front of me. Everything is running in my eyes and pain makes me feel my body like it does not exist. I see my own steps but at the same time, I feel my death. I scream, my voice is broken because it is too painful. Then I hear the voice, which rips space around me into pieces. I hear, but I cannot understand from where it is.   
“DAMN, HANBIN, WAKE UP!” Someone jogs me and I squint when white light screams. I feel that arms around me are slimy and sticky because of my own blood. My side pains and I can see nothing around me. Spat and head pain and the only one thing, which looks like the real one, is Jiwon’s voice.   
“Shit, don’t shake me so hard” I whine tiredly and want to cuddle because I still feel the knife in my side.   
“NO, I SAID WAKE UP!” Jiwon catches my neck and tries to catch my look. Nothing comes out.   
“Jiwon, I’m here, I’ve woken. Stop tighten me up so hard, it’s painful.” Feeling of wet and bloody sheet goes away and I can see my room. Jiwon seats in front of me and his face is dark. I guess everything is not very good.   
“Finally, I’m not in the balcony, don’t worry.”  
“You scream like you’re going to die, you’re an idiot. It looks like I cut you into the pieces.”   
“It’s not the first time. I’m sure I call for you, isn’t it?” the only way I have is to joke. Jiwon should not know that I wanted to see him one more time before I died. I feel Jiwon’s tension. He seats nearby me, on my bed. He is so close and his eyes are so scared. Only now, I understand that all this time I hold his T-shirt in my hands. I feel guilt and look away. I unhand his shirt but he continues to hold me and does not back off.  
“God, why do I care about you?” Jiwon breathe out tiredly but I do not hear rebuke in his words. Actually he compassions me again. He moves me away and falls down the next pillow. His hands are not on my shoulders and I feel emptiness.   
“Why are you so adverse? Why do not you sleep with me for several nights? We spent a half of our childhood on a small sofa with a cat, game box and a plate with cookies ahead. I just cannot understand you.” I would like to tell ‘sorry, Jiwon, but if I have to lay with you to sleep in this reality it doesn’t means that everything ends as harmless as you imagine’, but I just try to show disinterest and fatigue and turn to the wall. We lay about ten minutes. I regard the wall, which is ahead, and Jiwon looks at the ceiling.   
“Should I stay?” he asks carefully. He understands that it looks a bit foolish when he talks it aloud.  
“If you want. I don’t think that I’ll fall asleep again.” He gets up and go away in silent. Maybe he does it because he knows that no one of us can sleep today. Next morning I see dark circles under my eyes. Jiwon is already gathering for practice and deciding which sneakers to wear.   
“Wear yellow ones” I say and put them under Jiwon’s feet.  
“Why?” he is surprised but put feet into shoes.  
“I don’t know. There’re not so many bright colors in our life, I want them to be at least in your shoes.”   
“What are you talking about….”Jiwon haws, putting keys into his pockets. “Please, try not to sleep. I will come not too lately. The main thing, if you feel that you fall asleep close all windows and doors and write me. Ok?”  
“Go away,” I laugh, pumping him out the door, “Nothing will happen.”


	2. Chapter II

For ‘nothing will happen’ I have to drink three cups of coffee free of sugar, milk and without sweets. Sweets would be great now, but someone forgot to buy them so I have to eat toasts, which were burnt to ash, just not to feel bitter taste of cheap coffee. Next time I should remind myself that it is very interesting not to sleep during all night but only if you have not to stay active during the next day. Stay active alone.  
I wear my jacket, slippers and go to the balcony. The weather is awful. It is slushy and I don’t want to stay here for a long time. Anyway, fresh air is the best stimulator for brain and thoughts about sleep cannot get control over me. I don’t know why but I look at the cigarette pack. And everything begins again. I think about Jiwon’s fingers, Jiwon’s hands, Jiwon’s lips. I shake my head trying to get all this thoughts away.  
The key turns in the lock at the time. I just cannot drink the fourth cup of this awful coffee. TV droningly screams someone’s songs but I cannot catch the sense. I understand that I am still wear the jacket only when I see Jiwon’s strange look.  
“Are you ill?” he seats nearby me, wearing his outwear, and attaches his hand to my forehead. I squint because his fingers are too cold and gentle.  
“Maybe, but rather it is because I have not slept.”  
“You can sleep now. I will be here, with you.”  
I doff and try to smile.  
“You are tired too. Hope I will not bang away tonight.”  
Jiwon sighs hard and say nothing. I go into my room and turn off at the time. However, at the same moment I turn up in another place.   
There are crowd of people around me and I cannot see them very clearly. Their figures, faces, clothes look like they were smeared by brushes. People run and shout something. There are skyscrapers beside me and I can see reflection of the sky in their glassed walls. I go through the flow of people I feel disgusting fear and hopelessness. People’s faces are black blurs with mouths opened in a dumb cry. I try to close my ears and do not hear screams and hoots. There is a yellow-black tape across the street and emergency ambulances and patrol cars behind it. I band and go through the barrage. No one tries to stop me. Noise in my head is insupportable but I keep going and every next step is harder.   
And then I see you, Jiwon. I know that it is you because of those yellow shoes. You lay on wet asphalt and there is a huge pool of blood under you. I shut my mouth up trying not to cry. I feel weak in my knees and fall down. I cannot make any sound. I feel tears on my cheeks and people trying to catch me.  
“Hold him. He is a murderer.”  
I understand that there are not tears on my cheeks. I feel blood, again.  
“Hanbin, I am here, with you.” Talks me the voice in my head and I see your face.  
Now I am in our living room. We seat on the floor. Anyway, Jiwon seats behind me and holds my body by his knees. He is not screaming, just holds my shoulders with his hands and looks at me. I hate moments when he contracts his forehead so discomposedly. I am ready to confound the whole world for this inflection of eyebrows and biting lips. And yes, there are the first thoughts I have when I wake up.  
“Hey” his voice is like in my dream and he smiles too sad.  
“Hey” I answer and understand that he is alive.  
“Let’s go to the bed?”  
“Yes.”  
The only one I know for sure, that I do not want to let him go. That is the only reason why I do not argue. I have no strength anymore. Jiwon holds my elbow, settles me on the bed and lays nearby me. I feel his presence behind me and sleep without dreams.  
Day by day, it becomes worth. Jiwon says nothing but his eyes look tired and there are dark circles under them. He becomes clumsy and he often drops something which is not like him. There are scratches on his arms because every night I try to scratch me out the realities that try to become my second lives. Jiwon tries to ensure me that everything is fine. He takes time off his work for a week because of ‘family situation’. He knows that it is too dangerous for me to stay alone now. Especially after the incident at four a.m. when I tried to pour boiling-hot water on my hand. I just wanted to realize if I exist. I need to know that there is Jiwon who needs me and he is real.  
“You are here again” Jiwon peeps round the doorway of the bathroom and squints like a cat.  
“It is my safe place” I say and smile to him when he goes in and seats on the verge of the bath. He wears grey-orange T-shirt with low armholes. There are scratches on his arms and bruise on the elbow. I bite my lips and afraid to look up. Guiltiness drowns better then water if you know. There are tangled can in my hands but I feel much worst.  
“Look at this” Jiwon stands up and comes up the mirror “Honey, it looks like we had the hottest night in our lives. Well, I think I should not go to the practice with children now.”  
Jiwon twirls and pretends that he has noticed all of these only now. He laughs, follows red shreds on his arms with his fingers and smiles. I want to disappear right now. Normal person would put it away under sweatshirt and pretended that nothing had happened. But Jiwon never does something as a normal person. Jiwon continues make me sure that there is nothing terrible and everything is fine. He directly asks me about things that kill me. And I answer. Game goes as Jiwon says.  
“Hey, man, stop falling a depression. You are not so good… in there, so I propose a hard therapy. We will go crazy here.”  
“You propose it every time” I laugh, turn my head and look at Jiwon while he is too busy with looking at himself. He turns his head and I see line of his neck and chin and think that there should be the way out. For example, to shut up in a cage with high voltage. And it would be great if I was caged.  
“And every time it works. Last time was the most successful. Now go out and let’s watch cartoons about… hmm… the Spiderman? Or if you want I will make an exception and we will watch The Lion King.  
He honestly play fool but it is not funny for me. When half a year ago I had a weeklong problem with sleep, we watched cartoons about the Spiderman, X-men and someone else. We even watched all seasons of Top Gear. Honestly, we were so sleepy that cannot differ Ferrari and Lamborghini.  
“Damn, man, let’s go” Jiwon catches my hand and makes me go out of the bathroom. He always makes me go out of somewhere.  
He plays on the first part of The Lion King. There is ‘and why not?’ on his face. I have not slept for so long time that I cannot remember from where there are snakes and beer in out fridge. Looks like my brain cannot function at all.  
“Tell me when did you go to the store?”  
“We were there together, today’s morning. Cannot remember?”  
“Not. Really?”  
Suspicions come into my mind. I just lour and try to pay attention on Simba who gambols on stones. Jiwon smiles and laughs as if he is not older that eight and a half. He jabs me, puts his legs on me and rebels against my emotionlessness. But all his actions make me smile much more than a couple of lions on the TV. And then Jiwon bites my shoulder. I think I am going to go crazy.  
Unexpectedly, he catches my shoulders, attracts my back to his chest and takes on my skin by his teeth, roaring, as it is a play. I shrink and make everything worth because Jiwon’s nose is near my neck and he is still roaring, smiling and biting higher and higher. Jiwon hugs me, starts to titillate, and I laugh and try not to die. Jiwon’s throaty roar, his smile in my shoulder, his laugh… there are a time bomb.  
“Stop, Jiwon… Oh God, I will die right now.” I laugh, trying to remove his hands from my body and dodge from the trap ‘Kim Jiwon’.  
“That’s no-no” he says and does not stop. I feel that he removes his hands from my ribs and one them goes to my neck. It goes round and presses at the dimple at the foot of my neck. Then it slowly goes higher to my chin makes me to throw head back. I feel he becomes harder and his thumb goes to the line of my chin.  
“What are you…” I want to ask but feel his teeth on my neck and his hard hot breath on my ear. I can just breathe out edgily. Everything runs at my eyes, Jiwon is too close and I lose the last link with the reality. I want to stay forever in these hands. That is all.  
“Quietly” I feel his wet lips near my ear “I want to do it quietly”  
At the moment Jiwon starts to strangle me. He catches my neck by both hands, sit at me, and push me at the sofa. I try to remove his hands or dodge but understand that I can do nothing. It looks like my neck is going to become broken. I want to breathe in a bit air but cannot. I just try to understand ‘for what’. For what have I pestered him? Why does he want my death so hard? I feel salt water on my cheeks. My hands and feet are becoming cold and wet. Everything is going round. Is it the end?  
“HANBIN” Jiwon scream from somewhere and I cannot understand what is wrong. I feel water in my mouth and wet clothes. “HANBIN, WAKE UP, DAMN!”  
“Jiwon” I husk “Don’t kill me. I don’t want”  
“YOU ARE AN IDIOT. I AM NOT KILLING YOU. WAKE UP!” he shakes me and his hands are wet and cold too. Eyesight is back and I try to blink. I understand that we are sitting in the bath and cold water rains from atop. I clearly feel water and coldness.   
“Jiwon” I try to hold his hands and my voice is so weak that I pity myself.  
“I am here, you hear? Wake up”  
“Don’t leave me” I do not know why I tell it but hysterics invades me and I start shaking. I sob and I do not know what is better, that Jiwon is here or that I can breathe.  
“Hey, I am here, with you. Look at me.”  
Jiwon touch my forehead with his one and hold my face in his hands. I am still hold on him but my hands are on his shoulders. I cry. Jiwon hugs me, cuddles me in his arms and says something but I cannot catch the sense.  
“It’s cold.”  
“Let’s go then.”  
He helps me to go out the bathroom. He undresses his T-shirt and I do the same.   
“Change into something dry and I will. Are you fine?”  
“Fine.”  
I have finally woken up and now I understand that I have obfuscated everything again. Jiwon would never behave this way. He would never roar into my neck as if he knew everything about me.  
I come back to my room. There is a mess. Sheets are crumpled, pillow is at the other side of the room, the blanket seems to be broken. I find my cloths at the chiffon robe and change quickly. It is too sad and I sit down the bed because I cannot do anything with all of this.   
Jiwon rolls up at the doorway. He wears the red T-shirt with BULLS. His hair is wet and he turn head to put it out.   
“Let’s go to my room?” now he does not look at his age at all. And I hear the same carefulness that I have heard at the practice with children. I noodle, stand up and go after him.  
“If you want I can lay at the floor. Or may I lay with you?” he sustains vacillatingly. His bed is a bit smaller than mine is so we cannot just sprawl. But the most worrying for me thing is that he asks about it. It is the first time. He used to lay just without saying any words.  
“Why are you asking?”  
“Well…” he shifts from foot to foot “Well… I has understood that it was I in your dream. Maybe you….”  
“No, that’s fine. I want you to stay with me. Only then I can normally sleep.”  
Yeah, if you only know, Jiwon, that you are the main character of my dreams.  
I even do not know what time is it but it is still dark and I think that we have some time before morning. Jiwon lays nearby me and tucks up the bed. I feel his breath too close to my neck. My dream is coming back but I try not to think about it. I do not want to think about things that were, as I feel, about two minutes ago. But pictures where Jiwon’s hands clip my neck are breaking into my mind. I try to hold hysterics but not too successfully.  
“Hanbin?” his hand is still cold and it touches my shoulder. “Everything is very bad isn’t it?”  
“No, I am just….” I sob and want to hit my face. I want everything is over.  
“Come here” Jiwon moves closer, turns me and hugs. And I do not really want to think is it right or not. I hug him back. I embrace his as hard as I can and try not to cry.  
“I want this dreams get away,” I whisper into his chest.  
“We will come up something, I promise” Jiwon paddles with my hair and it is so soothing. Finally I fall asleep.


	3. Chapter III

Usually we wake up at about eight or nine o’clock. Jiwon has to go to the job and I have to get him off. But this time we wake at one p.m. We hug each other and it was the strangest thing for me. Jiwon snuffle into my shoulder and entwine me by his arms and legs. I think I need to go to the bath, to solve some problems in my bag. But when I am trying to go out the warm Jiwon’s hags I hear quiet angry hiss.   
“No, you will stay here. We cannot sleep for four days long and if we have a possibility to stay in bed, we will. I am going to stock up my powers.” To vindicate his words Jiwon swings his legs up to me and hugs me harder.  
“Jiwon, I just need to go to the bath. And if you want to sleep just sleep. I have to cook something for breakfast… or dinner. What time is it at all?  
Finally, I get out of bed and go to the bath. Jiwon tried to stop me by croaking and annoyed whine. Mirror in the bathroom shows me lantern jaws, tired because of sleepless night eyes and bitted lip. There is only a ghost of always smiling and bright Kim Hanbin. My hair is on the mess and there are bruises on my arms. It means that Jiwon have to use force to hold me back.  
Unexpectedly I want to stay under cold water. The longest period of my problems with dreams was two weeks long but in the most cases, they ended at the seventh or eighth night. I would like to believe that I have to wait a bit for normal live. I think that the most terrible dreams are just waiting for me and stay under the warm water. I just try to relax. Honestly, it is really hard. It is hard because of the mess in my head, in my body and of course because of Jiwon. I would like to be such an egoist and think only about myself and about how damn I want to throw myself from the balcony. Maybe in this case all this mess will not follow me and try to break my mind. But I cannot. I worry about Jiwon much more then about myself. Maybe it is because I am such a silly idiot.  
When I am out Jiwon is already drinking his morning tea sitting at the sofa. He still looks tired but now I see that he has sucked off. When he noticed me, he put the cup away. His face becomes taught and I understand that there is a time for a serious talk.  
“Hanbin, you will sleep with me” he fixedly says it and pretend as if I have no choice now.  
“Jiwon, you are again…”  
“I cannot understand. You know much better than me that you can sleep without nightmares if someone is nearby you. And I really do not understand what is your great problem, Hanbin. I think about and cannot understand anything. That is it. If you do not want to sleep with me, I will sleep with you. Maybe then you will not decide to scratch your leg with a nail or sandbag me into…” Jiwon stops talking but I have heard everything.  
“What? I… what?”  
“Oh, damn, it does not matter and you know it.” He stands up and comes up to me “Why do you press on yourself? Why you do not want to take drugs? Why do not you want take my help? Hanbin, rely on someone does not mean to lose. I am not a stranger for you, is not it?”  
“Jiwon, I am not….” And what am I going to say? ‘Jiwon, I am sorry but I go a bit silly over you and every day I think only about where I would like to have a sex with you’.  
“Listen to me. Now I do not care what is it your head. You will sleep with me and do not move around. When I will understand that everything is fine you can sleep even is the bathroom. I will not let you suffer alone. And now we go to the store or by food to the house. What do you think?”  
That is the way Kim Jiwon used to change the theme of talking and end quarrel.  
“I am for pizza. And, Jiwon, I would like to ask”  
“Hm?”  
“You have not smoked for two days. It is strange”  
“I have, why do you think I have not?  
“Usually I feel the smell, but not now. I just want to be sure I am not sleeping now.”  
Jiwon looks at me like if I am psycho. I can understand him, but I really have not seen he smokes for two days.  
“I propose to engage a pizza, six bottles of beer and spend this evening not hopelessly.” He says sitting down the laptop. “Are you with me?”  
“And I can say no?”  
Delivery arrives after an hour. Jiwon is still lying at the sofa. He lazy switches over TV channels and I google about the sense of using tranquillizers or some antidepressants for curing my problem. I have found many arguments why I should, but finely I decided not to use them. I feel the smell of warm and tasty pizza and understand that I am starving. However, when I try to take a piece Jiwon biffs on my hand.  
“Now we will take our jackets, go to the balcony and only then eat. If you do not want to go out we will aerate heads by this way.”  
Perspective to sit in the cold balcony with warm pizza and cold beer looks no very funny, but I cannot refuse. That is why I wear a warm sweatshirt, jacket, gumshoes and scarf and go into balcony. We always sit on the threshold so I open the door and put beer bottles on the floor. At the moment Jiwon is here wearing jacket and hat and with pizza in his hands.  
“We look like two idiots I guess,” I say, opening the bottles and giving him one of them.  
“We need to go out and breathe in fresh air. Do not you mind?” he gets a cigarette pack and looks at it.  
“I do not. It is strange that you are asking. We live together for a long time and you are still smoking.”  
“What if you have a headache because of it, why knows. Sometimes I cannot sustain the cigarette smoke, i feel like I am going to vomit. But you have never said me anything about it.” Jiwon hits my bottle by his one and makes a gulp. He rips pack’s cover by his teeth, opens the pack, takes one cigarette and mouth it. I have seen it so many times that can imagine with close eyes. Jiwon knits his brow when he lights up a cigarette, then he pulls and breathe out. Actually, smoking such a vice, but Jiwon should not be blamed. All this pulls and cigarettes altogether blend in.  
I look away, gulp beer and take a piece of pizza. There is evening twilight and I can see purple sky reflected in the glassed tops of skyscrapers. Somewhere under us there are crowds of people why hurry home and noise of a big city. There is a haze in the air and I cannot understand if it is emission of cars or just smoke of Jiwon’s cigarette. His profile with the cigarette in teeth and the beer bottle in a hand looks too beautiful at this background. Oh, year. It looks like I cannot stop looking at him even if I try.  
“Which kind of dreams you see? You have never told me.” Jiwon does the cigarette out of concrete floor and shoots it out the balcony.   
“Different.”  
“Tell me, please. Just one.”  
“Usually it is my death. Rarely someone else’s. That is everything I can say.”  
“And it looks so real that your brain decides to look limit of human’s life in reality. Looks terrible. I mean really terrible.”  
I make a gulp of beer and try not to remember all dreams where one way or another I have killed Jiwon. They are the most terrible and disgusting. What can be worse than feeling of blood everywhere?  
“When are you going to go to work? Will not you have problems?” I change the theme because I do not want to unnerve myself. And Jiwon should not know everything about the conformation of ‘the world of nightmares’.  
“After two days. Everything is fine. I have a replacement.”  
I have not noticed when he finishes the first bottle. Talk is not going, but silence is snug. I do not know how to explain it. Sometimes there are people with whom you feel discomfort. But sometimes there are people like Jiwon. You can keep silence with them for ages and there are like thousands of telepathic links between you. We have become interlock by these links some years ago.  
While we are drinking, Jiwon takes can from his pocket and gives me one, as usual. We are sitting, eating pizza, hiding our hands in pockets, listening to music and feel that there should be more evenings like this one in our life. Jiwon whispers lyrics of song and I try to hide my smile in a neckpiece of my jacket. I am a bit drunk and I want to remember our tumultuous backward. I would like to pass out, for example, fight, smash in window of some shop or do something else. Unfortunately now we cannot do all of it.  
“Tell the truth, I wanna sleep.” I say. It is absolutely dark but I still do not know what time it is. Jiwon takes one more cigarette.  
“I too. I smoke and follow you, go.”  
Of course, I go into his room. I doff my jacket, sweatshirt and fall on the bed, wrinkling a blanket. I am still afraid to sleep but I understand that it have worked last times. If someone is nearby me, it passes not so painful. Jiwon is here after five minutes and he smells cigarette. He falls on me, polls and lays near.  
“Good night.”  
“Year, night.”  
Finally, I fall asleep without any blood.  
We wake up at midday. Jiwon is happy, jests and smile whole day. He goes to the shop and buys, as usual, two packs of ramen and many cookies. We watch an old X-men and try not to go crazy. There are two bottles of beer in our fridge and we decide to have an alcohol party. Jiwon goes to the shop again and buys two bottles of soju. Looks like he have red my yesterday’s thoughts about ‘to pass off’.  
“You know, I wanna drink for our bright backward. And I want to say ‘thank you’ to it for connecting us. Man, I do not know what would I do without you.” Jiwon has red cheeks, red, because of biting, lips and cap on his head. I do not know for what it is now. Maybe he have forgotten to get it off, when he come back home, anyway I have noticed only now.  
“Yeah, let’s drink.” It is the fourth pony and the first bottle is empty. Jiwon starts to smoke in the room just because he does not want to wear the jacket and to go to somewhere. At eleven p.m. our kitchen looks like a victim of fire, because thought that we should open a window comes into our minds too late. There is smoke in the air and empty bottles on the floor. I feel like everything around me is running when I turn my head.  
“Hanbin, you know, what do I wanna ask you for ages?” Jiwon not too drunk, he is fine. He knits, pushes the cigarette into an ashtray and looks at me.  
“What?”  
“Have you written anymore?”  
This question hits me under ribs. I delay in responding, but finally answer without caring what I tell.  
“Yes. There was some times, when I wanted to drown myself, so, yes. I came back to pen and wrote everything that came into my mind in rhymes. Especially it was two things: inability to sleep and be with a person I love.”  
Jiwon sighs hard and drapes himself against the chair back.  
“It was a long time ago. I thought you let go those relations.”  
“I did not say it was about those relations.”  
“It means you have….”  
“Let’s just go sleep. I feel my head need to meet a pillow promptly.”  
Jiwon throws his brows up and says something to my back but I go to the room. I do not turn light on and fall on the bed. I would like to fall asleep but I do not want to. The bed bends again and Jiwon lays nearby me. I feel him with my back and I do not know why it becomes harder to breathe.  
The moment, when I fall asleep, is slipping from my attention. I wonder that I do not sleep because I am lying on the same bed, in the room of Jiwon. But he pulls my T-shirt and touch my body with his hands.  
"What are you doing?” I take his hand off and raise on my elbows.  
Suddenly, Jiwon sits down on me, clutching my hips by his knees. Involuntarily I exhale loudly, because it is not what can be seen every time. Jiwon sits on me and unambiguous tries to get under my T-shirt.  
"You want me, are not you?" he just leans forward and bends. His torso touches my and, while Jiwon is becoming closer to me, T-shirt impermissible quickly lifts. I feel the hard fabric of the jeans, which scratches my skin.  
“Jiwon, seriously, stop it.” I still have some power to resist, but Jiwon’s nose leads on my cheek and his lips in some miserable few centimeters from mine.  
"You are still sleeping. And you know it.”  
Jiwon takes my hands and puts them on the hips. And now I am going to let myself into the nearest window. Because it feels like a space between the ribs and there is an icy air there. It is a kind of hurts, but lungs become cold. And I breathe in a special way, in a sort of special rhythm. It is the same with Jiwon’s breathing out right at my neck.  
His hands are wet and hot. And he does ‘the devil knows what’ with them. There are only fingertips run on the sides, causing goose bumps, and then roughly squeeze. I would better shove him, but I even cannot normally breathe. Because Jiwon is so close to me now, Jiwon is all mine and damn I want him as want no one ever in my life.  
“Hanbin, you can do whatever you want” Jiwon’s voice is quiet and broken by cigarette smoke. And growl at the end of some words makes me urgently desire to exploit the situation.  
Jiwon would not get on me. This is the last adequate thought that visits my tired mind. Then I bite his lip, abruptly moving forward and making him sit on me. Jiwon presses my body with his legs and moves closer. I feel that he smiles at my lips. I want to bite his lips, because I have never try anything better.  
I kiss him in some random sequence of bites and desires to feel on tip of my tongue the taste of alcohol and cigarettes.  
“Jiwon” I whisper almost every time we pull away from each other, and I feel craziness. I close my eyes and when I open them, I am already sitting on him. His hands squeeze my shirt, trying to stop.  
“Hanbin, you...” his voice is a little bit uncertain, it is not like a minute before. “Do you really want it?”  
"How can you ask? I am crazy about you.”  
When I kiss him again, he answers slowly. It feels like he are trying my taste. I do not feel his hands on my body, and the role seems to be changed. But I just don't want to thinking about it, because Kim Jiwon kisses too cool. He gently puts his hand on my nape and I lose control because of this feeling.  
Jiwon’s T-shirt flies to the side in a moment, and I touch his skin with my lips. I bite his neck, touch his Adam's apple with my tongue, make him bend and moan lowly and quietly. When I find his lips and kiss once again, Jiwon seems to be regaining the role of the protagonist and quickly throws me on my back. He skins off my T-shirt, and I cannot look away from his body. In the dark of our room, I can see only outlines and some parts, but, even in this light, Jiwon looks stunning. Strong tense arms, taut torso and bulging muscles at the ribs. I want to touch them with my tongue. But Jiwon plays only with his rules.  
“I am fucking drunk, so don't really understand what we are doing, but I do not care” it is the last logical sentence which I can hear. Then a complete craziness becomes.  
I can hardly understand where Jiwon knows that he can leads to discharge with just one touch of hot hands to my excited doodle, but he does it so well that I almost end. He whispers something to me, slangs in English, while he pulls off my pants and his jeans. We were not smart enough to remove it before going to sleep. He scratches my hips and bites skin on my shoulders. I did not hesitate at all and move apart my feet in the most depraved way. I kiss him, lick the salt from his body and moan loudly. It is hell, Kim Jiwon. He is on top, he is madly rude and not less bold, because his lips make me shake and plangently moan his name. Everything is so inconsistent and crazy fast that I can only get some pieces. Jiwon kisses me, he leads his tongue over my neck, he squeezes my thighs, lifts me, lays me on himself, says something that I do not catch and then I feel that right now I will be hardly fucked.  
“Lick.” Jiwon makes a gun with two finger and sticks it into my mouth. And it would be wonderful if I could shoot myself. But I just lick his fingers, and when Jiwon removes them, he replaces them by his tongue. And while he is creating a complete chaos, mixing his saliva with mine, I feel that he pushes one finger into me.  
“You can do it quickly. Even if it is painful. It does not matter. Finally, it is not...”  
‘Reality’. It is blowing in my head, but I only swear loudly, because Jiwon takes these words too literally. He hardly skewers me on him, and I put my forehead on his shoulder. Every part of my body is tense, because the pain burns through me. It is as if I have stripped half side on the asphalt, on which was a glass, nails and something else. I remember the dream where I am killed by knife. Now it is easier to adjust to this pain, comparing the real one with the one that was stronger, but in the past.  
“All right?” asks Jiwon, not daring to do anything else.   
“Just come on.”  
Jiwon moves his hips once, and it is still hurt. I cannot say it is insufferable, but the feeling is not the most pleasant. I feel him in my body, and arousal becomes harder. I clench teeth and move my hips, showing that everything is in order. Jiwon keeps me and begins to move slowly. I understand that couple of movements is probably enough for him to finish. Because he is breathing hardly and he is tight like he is near to break.  
“Jiwon, just fuck me, okay? And do not think about me.”   
I do not need to repeat twice. It seems like he is trying to remove skin from my back, because his nails literally scratch it from the bones and his teeth leave new bruises on my neck. He begins to move faster, and I try to stifle the moans, because it is hurt, and it is bang and I want to die at the same time. Jiwon squeezes my thigh with one hand and directs it toward him. He grabs my dick with other hand and moves to the beat of the tremors. I hear his low growls, feel that he becomes faster, and then feel a warmth inside of me. Jiwon is breathing hard, but continues to move his hand until I come on his belly and fall dawn with exhaustion. He falls next to me and his chest rises and falls too often.  
“Let’s go into the shower. And we need to change the sheets.” he says and I rise and go to him for a kiss.   
"Thank you" I have a broken voice, and cannot understand anything.  
He kisses me but too quickly. His lips just touch mine and that is all. Jiwon stands up, nods to the bathroom, and begins to change underwear.  
When I stand in the shower, I think that it is probably the best dream for all my life. I even do not look at the mirror, just put on clean clothes and go out. Jiwon is next to me. He does not raise his eyes, and his behavior scares me. For the first time in my life, I realize that I want to stay here, in this reality.  
I go back into the room and climb under the covers. Sleepiness closes my eyes. Jiwon comes after few minutes. He lies near, but does not hug me. However, I am too tired to give it a sense.  
This time I wake up alone. There is smell of coffee in the air and I get out of bed. I am still sleepy but I go into the kitchen and look at Jiwon, who is sitting at the table with a cup in his hands. But this is not on what I pay my attention.  
“Jiwon?” I ask carefully, because I do not want to believe in what I see.  
“What?” he asks, takes the cup away and looks at me.  
“What is it?” I look at his hands. There are lots of new crimson scratches and bruises, which look like...  
“Hickeys, Hanbin. Your beautiful teeth leave them” Jiwon stands up and comes very close to me. “We had a sex tonight.”  
Right now, something break me into small pieces.  
“What? No, Jiwon.”  
“Yes.”  
Jiwon shuffles his T-shirt off and turns his back. I look at the scratched in blood skin, look at the bruises on his neck and traces of teeth. Legs are weak and I just turn around and go into my room. I slam the door and lock it. Jiwon knocks and shouts.  
“Hanbin, open" I cannot understand. There is no anger in his voice, only regrets.  
But I am not going to open. He knocks and shouts something, and I go to the mirror. There are the same traces on my neck and red stripes on shoulders. Lips are bitten and there are almost black bruises on the thigh. I grab my head and fall down the floor. So it was not a dream. Then, how?  
Jiwon would not start. It means that at one moment I woke up. But when? And how can I do not understand that this is not the same reality. When suddenly I was on top, and when he wears another t-shirt.  
“Damn!” I swear and draw my fingers through the hair.   
“Hanbin, stop it. Let me in. You cannot stay locked for the whole day.”  
"No, I can" I answer him. “Why did not you stop me?”  
"Open the door and let's talk.”  
“No, Jiwon. I cannot.”  
“You won’t be able to sleep.”  
“It is even better.”  
"Why do you behave like a child, damn it? I would not sleep with you out of pity, Hanbin I...”  
I take the headphones and the MP3-player from the table, put them on and turn on the full loudness. Now I cannot hear Jiwon’s shouts, and there is an opportunity to think about what to do now.  
I spent the night with Jiwon. We had a sex.  
My world falls apart and bites into my skin. I want to hide in a corner and just disappear somewhere. I had a sex with my best friend. I have just grounded to dust everything that we build up for so long.  
For all this time, I collected a bridge from tiny pieces. That was a bridge between my reality and dreams. Jiwon always was the most durable thing that supported me, even if I felt that I had to fall. He was my main support between reality and a dream, because I did not know another ways to return. And now all my bridges have collapsed into the water, into the abyss and became only the rusty pieces. I lost the road, on which I used to come back home. To come back to Jiwon.  
The rest of the day, I sit almost in the same position, and repeat these horrible thoughts in my mind. Pictures of the previous night appear before my eyes, and I want to cut my existence from the entire universe. I do not even feel any pain at all and just keep mentally cutting myself. I have tried to escape somehow, to see something, to read a comic book. But whatever I do, all my thoughts keep returning to the one. Guilt stokes cuts and drains me. And in the end, I do not even notice how suddenly fall asleep.  
I stand on those dark streets of the city. There are dirty buildings with almost collapsed facades and old paint around me. There is smell of burning in the air and snow under my feet. I wrapped in a black jacket, trying to keep warm. I see a familiar old American car. And there is someone's corpse. And Yes, I know that the next moment I will be there. I feel the knife, turning it into my side. It falls on the ground. Sticky blood remains on my hands. It runs down my side and fills the white snow, staining it in a dirty maroon. I raise my head up to look at the stars and dream that this time it is a reality. I just pray that I can see Jiwon for the last time. A wet white snowflake falls on my cheek. I am sure that at the same time it is painted in the color of my blood.  
Then I hear footsteps and see him. Jiwon comes out of a dark alley. He sits in a puddle of blood, takes my hand and says quietly.  
“I am with you.”  
I am scared. The pain in my left side just unbearable. I almost cannot breathe and I spit blood stagnated in the throat.  
“I am with you,” Jiwon repeats. His hands are in the blood, but he is not afraid.  
I try to smile, but the consciousness leaves me. I still hear that ‘I am with you’, but life is slowly slipping away from me.


	4. Chapter IV

“YOU ARE A DAMN IDIOT! WAKE UP RIGHT NOW!” comes up to me at the same moment when the darkness gives way to a bright flash of light. “HANBIN!”  
Jiwon is shaking my shoulders. How many times have I woken up by this way?  
“I am here, please stop shaking me. Otherwise, life will truly leave me.  
“Hanbin, you...” Jiwon puts his arms around me, hugs and swears quietly.  
"What have I done this time? I ask wearily, because I am still somewhere on the border between my two realities.  
“It does not matter. I go not let you go. You will stay here, with me, do you understand?" Jiwon again says the same tone, when the answer "no" does not exist.  
I look around. There is the broken mirror, the open window. The door is broken and there is a complete mess on the floor. New bruises are appearing on my wrists. Jiwon looks at me, and I do not understand why he does it as if he needs me.  
“Hanbin, listen up” he takes my chin and makes me look directly into his eyes.” You will not do all this shit anymore. I am with you. I would not get you out this hell every time, if I did not want. I would just pass you into the hospital or show to anyone. If I do not care, I do not live with you and not share my life with you. Moreover, the most important thing. I would not have a sex with you only because of pity even if I would drunk to a death, Hanbin. Did you get it?”  
I even do not nod, when he kisses me. He is gentle but a bit aggressive and I have no doubt in his words. I just cannot believe my happiness. A shiver instantly retreats and the cold and dark inside of me give way to the warmest feeling in the world.  
"Come on, I will pour you some tea.”  
Jiwon helps me to stand up, as always, and brings to the kitchen. I sit down, but still have a little faith in this reality. It is dawn, and I conclude that it is about six a.m. now. Jiwon brews two cups of tea and sits down on the other side of the table.  
"Let's go to the balcony?” I offer. I need a fresh air right now.  
"Well, come on," Jiwon shrugs and goes to get his jacket.  
I push the door and go out. Cold sneaks under my shirt, and both cups begin to steam. Jiwon suddenly appears from behind, takes cups from my hands, puts them on the floor and tosses the jacket on my shoulders. I slip my arms into the sleeves and sit down on the threshold. Jiwon sits nearby. The first thing he does is takes out a pack of cigarettes. He rips pellucid film away with teeth and weights verge of the pack down with a thumb. He puts the filter between teeth, burns the edge of the cigarette and breathes in. Smoke sneaks between his lips, and I remember their taste.  
Jiwon suddenly turns.  
"You know, if you want to kiss me, just kiss. It is not necessarily to look at me with a look like this one and think long.”  
I throw my eyebrows up and look at him, realizing what I have heard.   
"Come here, buddy.”  
He pulls me to him and gives me, perhaps, one of the best kisses. I understand that I am not afraid to fall asleep anymore.  
Oh, and another fact is that Kim Jiwon is a devil-good kisser.


End file.
